El que sea encontrado zombie será declarado Inmundo

Encontramos 304 reglas o pequeñas precauciones de vital importancia para sobrevivir en este mundo plagado por los secuaces de Satanás, pero teniendo en cuenta su comodidad, nos tomamos la libertad de seleccionar las que consideramos más útiles de acuerdo al escenario apocalíptico al que nos enfrentaremos en cualquier momento. Ah,  porque sospecho que el apocalipsis va a parecerse mucho a una película de terror del catálogo, o tal vez a todas. De cualquier forma... ¡Agarren su agua bendita chavos!

1.  When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
3. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
4. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.
5. If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're driving with them to the place.
6. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
7. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts.
8. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
9. Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there's so much we can learn from them".
10. Don't make fun of or play with dead things.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
12. If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.
13. People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.
14. Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake)
15. If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding- psychopath by yourself) by all means, listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines.
16. If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc.
17. If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster.
18. If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, aboandon all hope, because sooner or later, no matter how many anti-biotics you take, yer gonna become one of 'em.
19. Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.
20. If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The only one who ever survives is a female.
21. While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.
22. In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.
23. If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are expendable.
24. Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.
25. If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is . LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!!
26. Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die anyway.
27. Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.
28. If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out.
29. Don't be a smart-ass. It'll only get you killed.
30. Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a succesful demon/devil/monster summoning.
31. People driven by veangance always die.
32. Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved ones will get you killed.
33. Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.
34. Feel no guilt.
35. If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.
36. If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!
37. If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many people will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can always buy a new pet, always have more kids, and always get a new spouse or significant other.
38. If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you).
39. If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!
40. If you are a bad dog, you WILL be dead by the movie's end. Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid.
41. If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won't eat you, the Catholic Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's familiar, and/or the horny teen-age guys don't throw you over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.
42. If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph and rule all in the end (or you might at least escape your $%^& cage!).
43. If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY! Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your deity.
44. Remember: quaint rural corn ceremonies are NEVER really about corn...
45. Stay away from 'quaint' hotels and inns. Go for the brand names.
46. Stimulating glands that were not meant to be stimulated is a REAL bad idea.
47. Never meddle in God's domain.
48. Don't work the night shift.
49. Under no circumstances remove any unusual item from glaciers or large blocks of ice (ie. flying saucers, Frankenstein's monster, Dracula, the wolfman, etc...) 
50. If you really must run screaming through the woods, remember to dress for it. Jeans and sneakers always beat a filmy nightgown and high heels.
51. When the bad guy stops to tell you what he is going to do to you, that's when you RUN AWAY.
52. Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.
53. Don't accept sexual advances of ANYONE who never knew or liked you previously.
54. All myths and legends have a basis in fact...
55. If you value your life, stay a virgin.
56. Crosses NEVER work on demonic beings.
57. If you feel funny and start to grow hair, shoot yourself in the head with a silverbullet - AT ONCE!
58. Cigarette lighters are always handy things to have on you.
59. Don't bother telling another character to "Stay in the car." They won't anyway, and will end up saving you.
60. Never ask a vampire if he'd like to stay for dinner.
61. If you hear weird music start to play run like hell.
62. If you are a woman your chances of survival are much much better if you are a good woman. To be a good woman you must
    1. Be a natural blond. Blondes with visable roots are the food of choice of 9 out of 10 aliens
    2. Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist, preferably the world's leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. You can dramatically increase your chances of survival at this point by following in your father's footsteps and becoming the world's second best leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs.
    3. Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular red lipstick or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters
    4. If it is too late to become a virgin, become frigid and make sure people know about it. The no makeup thing can be a big help here.
    5. Be in love with the bad scientist, at least for the first part of the movie BUT at all costs switch allegiances to the good scientist the second the bad scientist begins to mutate.
    6. Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully. You will be called on to do this alot.
    7. Hang around next to the bad woman a lot. It will make you look pure.
63. Bad women have only the slimmest hope for survival. Cast jealousy aside and buddy right up to the good woman. Be ready to squash the bad scientist like a bug the second his fortunes turn. Loyalty here is misplaced, he doesn't respect you anyway.
64. Always listen to the crazy man warning you something bad is going to happen, because he's probably right!
65. If ANYONE says they are are messenger from God, listen to them, because they usually are.
66. If you stumble across the body of a dead friend, do not go looking for the rest of your friends, because they're probably dead too.
67. Never be funnier than the main character.
68. Always use the buddy system. Also, make sure that your buddy is slower, weaker, or dumber than you are.
69. NEVER eat/drink ANYTHING brought forth for a weird ceremony.
70. Don't be a belligerent drunk. They have a nasty habit of getting left behind by the group and wandering to a deserted room (= deathtrap) to sulk.
71. When investigating a house or place shunned by the whispering townsfolk, don't try on the clothes in the trunk in the attic, don't look in the mirrors, and don't read the diaries.
72. If you rise from the dead, you'd better learn to like human flesh, 'cause you're gonna eat some.
73. Don't run through the woods wearing high heels, as most of the time one of the heels will break.
74. If you are a wuss and run away from one confrontation with the serial killer/demon/spirit/slavering-beast, you WILL die later on in the film. This is guaranteed.
75. Above all, remember this: your friends, family, and enemies, they are all expendable.
76. Sudden and loud noises coming from the tool shed are generally bad, don't be a smart ass and go check it out.
77. Never buy your kids a doll that talks.
78. NEVER say to your friends: "Whatever you do, don't say _____," and say the magic word that invokes the evil spirit.
79. Contrary to popular belief, most demons are not helpful and/or loyal.
80. Be resourceful. Whoever came up with the idea of putting holy water in a water gun must have memorized every episode of "Maguyver".
81. When you're in a group, sleep in shifts. When you're alone, drink a LOT of coffee.
82. Stay indoors on the night of a full moon.
83. In archaology class, stay home for the unit on local folklore.
84. Do your community a favor and torch the local occult bookstore. They're usually more trouble than they're worth.
85. Don't open the door.
86. The less equipped you are to survive the movie, the better.
87. Never do anything morally wrong (pre-marital sex, drugs, making fun of the hero/heroine, etc...)
88. If you are a jerk, kill yourself. Save yourself and others a lot of pain.
89. Never say, "It's over", "It's dead", or "I killed it".
90. The monster is never dead until everyone else is!
91. If you aren't the main character, then listen to what he/she says. For the most part the main character survives.
92. When you hear scary music run the other direction!
93. Never, under any circumstance, ever plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.
94. Choose your friends and relatives wisely.
    Good choices:
    1. chaste teenage girls
    2. any preteen girls (excluding those who stand in circles and act like adults or speak in someone else's voice, as cited above)
    3. good dogs
    4. younger assistants to world-famous scientists.
    Bad choices:
    1. security guards
    2. law-enforcement and other municipal officials
    3. teachers/professors
    4. executives of companies with questionable environmental/ scientific practices
    5. psychiatrists specialized in criminal pathology
    6. obnoxious ex-boyfriends of chaste teenage girls
    7. and of course promiscuous teenage girls
95. If anyone's ever told you about your twin that died at birth, or if you're adopted, you're pretty much screwed.
96. If your mother keeps having flashbacks to being chased by some horrible monster, and you've always been told that your father, "died in the war," but no one ever said which war, kill yourself at once.
97. Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been, funny.
98. Remember this. Clowns are never nice. If you see a clown that makes eye contact with you, jumps on the hood of your car, laughs for no reason at all, carries balloons with threatening messages on them, or waves at you, run like hell and get therapy. Even Ronald McDonald is a potential threat...
99. Never, ever use a ouija board alone!! If you do use a board by yourself, Do Not use it in a house that was occupied by an ax murderer.